it's overrrrr

FINALLYYYY!
isn't it great to not even care anymore? to realize that you don't, that you've moved on? it's sweetttt. took long enough though but i feel a lot better now. it's a good thing. when someone's not worth getting worked up over. cause they treat you like shit and don't care then finally being able to say, you know what? i don't give a fuck about what they do with their life. i don't care if i talk to them or see them again. cause really, i deserve better. i'm not the type of person to just sit around and let people use me. i don't let people get under my skin and cause drama and shit. so yepppp, doneeeeeeee.

i've trieddd but for some reason i won't quit

too much left unsaid developed into this awkward silence and i hate it. you can't blame either of us though, cause it's both our faults. i'm not too sure if you even care, all i know is i do. been tryin to get over it but it's just one of those things. one of those things that for some reason you can't... that you keep coming back to without even wanting to. a magnetic pull, two pieces of a puzzle. nothing's worse then the silence.. the silent whispers i want to say, that i keep screaming in my head for only myself to know. when in reality, you can hear a pin drop. the crickets chirp between the rewritten words. scratched out, erased, rephrased over and over. hiding behind these walls, might be too late.. probably am. everything changes at some point. for better or for worse. just gotta deal with it. hopefully in the end it'll all work. i can't just sit here and let it all fall apart. it's not the kind of person i am. i'm a fighter. i don't give up on people. i don't forget. you can try to forget about me, for whatever reason. but i won't just give up and let it happen. cause i care. cause it means something. you know what i mean. you can't say there's nothing. i know you know there is. it's there, no matter how hard you try to fight it. i already did. and look at me now. it's different. i think that's the main reason. standing out from all the rest, no other's are the same. you get me and i get you. my own secret two way diary, secrets, things i need to talk about. noone else will everr know. to sum it all up? i'm not quitting. you shouldn't either.. don't just do the easy thing and try to forget cause it's worth it. i believe it. you should too.

Elements

like a gust of wind,
free to wrap around the trunk of a tree
the top of a tree, mouth of a river
still existing, but able to drift away
invisible, inpenetratable, indestructable
able to change and alter
to know that you're felt, you're known, without actually being seen

like a lively fire,
dancing and causing shadows
bold and threatening if uncontained
free spirited, changing as you please
taking other's down with you as you grow, using them for your own gain
noticing this or not
destructive?

like a drop of rain
free falling, down to the unknown...
but not alone
going against the world, feeling the rush of life as you get closer to your destination
to end with a splat
landing and expanding,
growing and becoming a part of something bigger.

like a old, elm tree
sturdy and strong from a life of hardships
cracks, splinters and moss covering over the weak spots
but yet standing proud against it all
instead of cowering in pity, absorbing life
absorbing the sun, the light
appreciating what you have and what's to come

DONE

my new saying in life is fuck it. i don't care anymore. i'm seriously just like whatever about whatever happens. like i'm over everything. it's good. i've like beat myself somehow lol. everything that's happened really doesn't matter to me anymore. thank god cause it really shouldn't. i won't let myself get fucked up over anything so i'm done. writing it down is just like finalizing it. good.



so i've now discovered that some of this is a lie.... i wanted to think it was true at the time but now i found out it's not... fuckkkkk

continued...

well so that didn't work out so well. stilllllll i feel like shit. i think i just need to get out of here. i need to get out of my house, i need to get out of truro. it's like everything here is just causing shit. i just want to sleep. i've been taking mini naps all day to try to make the day go faster cause i feel like i'm just wasting away or something. i've eaten a total of about 500 calories today. maybe less. i'm just not hungry. it actually hurts after i eat. it's probably cause i feel like my throats in my stomach 24/7. fuckk.

even at home i feel like a mess. i feel like i don't fit in my family. i feel like a outsider all the time. and they don't help at all. you don't do anything. you're useless. just because i don't play sports. it's like everything i do doesn't matter to them and it hurts. and all the bullshit with mom and dad. they don't realize how it effects me. like how they keep trying to get me involved. why the fuck do they keep trying to get us to take sides. this on top of everything else is hard. like i was trying to keep myself together. last night i spent like half a hour outside on the deck in shorts and a tank top, freezing and sitting on the chair out there just like holding myself together. everything was so blank. like i just sat there and didn't think of anything. just pretty much stared at nothing.

3 life lesson mottos i would give to myself if i could go back in time?
1. don't always do the easy thing. 2. don't leave anything unsaid. 3. don't be afraid of taking risks, because sometimes it can be worth it. and sometimes if you don't do these things, you can miss out.

fckkkkkkkkk

alright so i've now reached the breaking point. like literally. i feel soo i dunno at the moment. like i feel so upset but at the same time i won't let myself show it. i'm just like holding it all in atm and its really hard. everything's fucking up. my whole life is like fucking up. nothing ever works out. i fucking hate it. i swear i'm like cursed to never actually be like happy or at least happy for very long. my problem is that i fuck everything up. i always wait too long. i always act so stupid. i feel like barfing. i've had this like sinking feeling in my stomach for the past few days and now it's soo bad. like i wanna cry. everything hurts. but not like physically. it's like i dunno. i feel alone lately. like i feel like noone likes me and noone cares about me. like if i just died noone would care. people would be like that was sad but noone would actually like care care. i don't know if anyone actually even cares about me at the moment. noone ever talks to me. the only reasons they do is to ask if there's ever any parties. or there's abbie but she just talks to me when she wants to complain about her life. but she hasn't even been talking to me a lot lately. noone has. thats probably why i feel alone. noone's ever like heyy let's hang out and do something! i'm the one who always has to make plans or tries to. and the one thing that is the worst is that noone ever asks me if i'm okay. i always listen to other people talk about their problems. i fucking listen to abbie talk about hers all the time. and every once and a while other people's but noone's ever like are you okay? i feel used. like i actually do. but at the same time i feel like everyone could just replace me, just like that. it's seemed like that my whole life. like i've gone through so many friends through school. like they eventually find someone else who's either funnier or smarter or prettier or more fun to hang out with then they just forget about me. and the same with guys too. i don't think one guys ever like liked me for a while. it's like they like me for a bit but then they just move on and forget about me. and it hurts. it actually hurts so much to realize that, both things. friends and guys. i'm actually a mess. you know its bad when i write a fucking depressing poem thing. i haven't done that in years. i think the last time i did that was when mom and dad got divorced. so right now fuck my life. just fuck fuck fuck. i thought that if i like wrote it out it'd help. like it'd help it get outta my system or something. i'm scared to read what i wrote though. cause i'm pretty sure it's bad. i hate stuff like this. i never everr get like this. thats why it's not good at allll. i'm usually a positive, happy person but right now i'm so messed. messed is the only word i can think of to use. i could use like 1000 words to describe like everything that's going through my brain. it's like there's 100000 thoughts swirling around and none of them are even like good. and i can't even sleep. i haven't had a actual good night of sleep in forever. i take forever to fall asleep then i keep waking up all through the night and having these fucked up dreams that are never happy then when i wake up i feel like i haven't slept at all. like i've just been tired all the time for almost a week now. and it sucks. i feel draineddd. so right now all i can say is a capital f.m.l

cotinuedddd afetr drinkingg. i think thatmore can be said now cause i font gibe a fckkkk. but its probabl not goodo at all that i don't lol thiss is what 10 hello shots do to meee haha plus that wine shite what i chugged lke juicee nlahhhhh lol. but yeahh i'm an idiot life sucksss. wel its just compldcated i guess that'd be the wbetter word. just am fursttrated with everyone and evetyhtin and i hate ittt. like i can't sleeep i;,m never evenn hungru and its bennn like this for the past week ansd i dunonoo. i hagte eevtything asnd everyone rfht noww but i'd never sawty it. ii just want to go back to smu whereeeeeeeeeee stufs at elast a littel bit less complacated!111 i feels like tehere i can jut be like whaetevv tis university nott whn i ; m at home though! i jsut likef uckkkk causeeeeeee tehres no excuse for what i feel liker or anythngi. i jsut hateeeeee lies ans sd i hae geting my hopes uop adn i hate beeing useddd. i jsssssssust getdt outta truroo like lifes' acually been soo much moreee complicateds here, i ahte it. i actuallye miht of semi cried hte past while snd i neverr everr cryrrr so wtffffffffff. i evnv can't eattttt yoy uknow its badd whne lol food actualyllg makes me feel fuckk nig nausteated or somthing. like i don'twanna eat at allllllll. . itfs like havign something in m stomach wen i feel bad mskes it even wosrsee. haete x 10000000000. ;'( akkka sad face with oned eysee shutt@. i tthinkk wee shoudl always have like a time macheine or something! lol ometing so we can go back and hcange shit or make shit hapen. but ig euss then ti wouldn;t belike life caue we 're sipposed to learn from our misteakes but at eh the same time teh questioniss.. what if you mae the same misktake over adn over agian? i ruijn evetuthnig cause i just freak ouutettt

sos

alone and surrounded with darkness
dead silence as i drift onward on this wooden raft
so fragile from the long journey
cracks and chips from hardships it's endured
sensing a unknown presence around me
waiting for me to fall, to fail, to give up
i wish i could hear their whispers
just tiny voices that'd tell me what to say
and what to do
too far away to grasp, to comprehend
wishing i could feel ropes pulling me in the right direction
a puppet master to show me what to do
someone directing me, instead of being stuck
but there's no strings attached.
sitting here with no movement, no reassurance, no help
with this pit in my stomach
a pit of unsureness, hopelessness, and panic
want to fill it up, to be able to sleep, to be able to make everything work
but i think i'm lost
and the voices are too far away to hear
not loud enough to make out
when you really need someone
a sos signal can't be sent out
feels like i'm lost at sea
just rocking back and forth with the waves but not moving
picturing the same wave crash onto shore a million times
as the cracks get bigger
holding myself up in the deep waters
sink or swim

something... not nothing

so i really wanted to write something creative but i've got nothing. nothing is poping into my brain right now. i'm just so blah at the moment. like i don't feel tired or anything i'm just sick of being bored and i get this feeling like i did something wrong. like i messed something up or said something. but i don't know what i did and it's like it's effecting me or something. like last night after helping out my friend with her problems all i could think about afterwards was my own problems and how lately i've been feeling so shitty and tired and just like emotionally drained or something. i guess it's cause lately i don't know whats going on. and now i think i fucked up somehow. but i'm trying to fix it and it just seems like it's not working. and it's stresing me out. i couldn't sleep last night, couldn't fall back to sleep when i woke up too early this morning and i felt tired all morning. like i wanted to sleep but i couldn't. it was like sleep could solve all problems but i couldn't sleep, so nothing could get solved. it suckedddd...
plus my effing dreams. like WTF. it's really annoying when you have dreams that are so messed but it's stuff that you wish would semi happen. like you wish that when you have a good dream where the dream might not make sense but the result or what ends up happening in the dream is a good thing.... i always find that i wake up and just think why can't life actually be like that? like why is it no matter how hard i try to make stuff work nothing ever works out. i always fuck everything up without meaning to. or something always happens to fuck stuff up. and usually i can tell right away. it's like that thing i have where i know stuff. like i've had this bad feeling for a few days now and no matter what i do or where i go i can't get rid of it.. it follows me around. and i can't tell what the feeling is. like it's not sad or upset or angry.. it's weird. like confused and unsure and a bit upset and sort of hopeless? i don't know. but it's just messing with me. like i actually felt upset last night which hasn't happened in forever. i just want to fix whatever i messed up. i'm not going into details on what the problem is or who it involves but yeahhh. i'm stupid. it's like the saying you never know what you have until it's gone thing but not really? if that makes sense. i don't even know what to say to fix the problem cause it's not like i'm being ignored.. it's like they're talking but just waiting for me to say something. like they're waiting for me to say the right thing to make things to either go back to normal or change? i guess tomorrow i will cause i really need to start sleeping again at night cause i feel like if i don't actually get a good sleep soon i'm going to get sick.

With the light

the light glares off the window
blinding me from what i know is out there
time ticks on, the continuous cycle
spinning around and around
but blurring out of control, smearing the light
trying to clear the windows, to get a clear view
peeking through the cracks, chisseling away at the reminants
with a satisfying crunch the glass shatters
no more reflecting, no more viewing
only seeing everything in a different light
nothing for what it actually is
to see the truth you must rebuild the glass
put back together the statue of time, of patience, the cycle
glue back together the pieces and peer through the looking glass
but this time on the other side- with the light

Untangling

yeah so here's something i kinda rewrote and edited.. like a final draft of it is here.. i think it sounds better now. sort of more polished lol. but yeahhhh


the bunches of thoughts swirling around in my brain
i don't know what to think
like a ball of yarn, in an impossible knot
unable to untangle and be rearranged into something readable and understandable
i guess i'm just not sure
i'm at a fork in the road
two ways to go, one easier
but the easy route's the one i've always taken
that's the problem
although i'd never admit it
to admit it to myself is hard enough
impossible decisions, two different voices arguing in my head
which one is louder, i don't know
trying to lay each piece of this puzzle out
to piece it together and decide on the path to take
untangling the knot.. slowly, trying to make progress
need to believe in something
not sure if it's fate
but something seems to be at work here
i guess i'll just let the pieces fall themselves
and see where they lead me
and let myself continue to argue along the way
a conclusion will come soon enough

perfect silence

the wind floats by, like feathers floating on air
brushing against my face, my hands, my hair
the leaves whispering,sharing unknown secrets.. ones i'll never know
perfect silence
still
the wind roars on but it's soft.
no harm, like what i wish the world would be
i know what's coming
as i sit there and wait
life's like the weather, no disagreements there
with the sun peaking out from behind the clouds
the good thing waiting to happen, to break out of this continuous circle
needing to break the pattern
sick of clouds that keep advancing and leaving
with no signs of change, nothing good, but also nothing bad
sitting there in the silence, wishing, hoping
and then finally change...
there's the rain

life is like the weather....

it sounds really dumb and corny but it's true. i find it is anyways. how everything's always changing. good things, then bad things. my mood and how i'm feeling is always changing too. depending on people and things that happen in life. it's hard to write about it. like i don't know what to say. i keep getting to these stuck zones with everything. like i find something that i'm good at, then after a while it's like i'm not anymore. like with singing, then with writing and now with designing. it's fcking me up. i'm starting to panic cause what if i never find something that i'm good at and that i'll be good at forever? ahhh that'd be a fail at life right there.

The truth and nothing but the truth

is it best to know everything or to leave things unknown? cause some things you might not want to know. or admit to yourself. that's the problem that i always have. i hide the truth from myself. i think that it's easier to not admit some things to yourself. it makes life simplier in some ways? but at the same time it's not good at all. if you don't allow the truth to come out and be known then before you know it, it could be too late.

feels like i'm hitting a wall a hundred times over
no movement... no going foward
is there no advancement to be made? no way around these barriers?
not allowing myself to get choked up, to shed any tears, to let anything show
just keep following the voices, down the unknown path
unsure where it leads
staying hopeful, as time goes on
that silver lining will come soon

so holy fuck it's been a while. it's probably not a good thing that i haven't been writing. it's kinda defeating the purpose to not use this blog lol. but yeahh everything's been sorta hectic with work and life and everything. i've been kinda stressed out, not so much about work but about everything else. and i just don't know what to do about some things. i'm going to finish this later cause i can't actually write right now haha my mind's going like 100000 miles a minute and it's fucking me up atm sooo laterrrrrrrrrrrr

Tick Tock Tick Tock

time.. it can be a good thing or a bad thing. there are two bad things associated with time. waiting, and not having enough of it. when there is a countdown, or a deadline in life is there any point in doing anything or should you just ignore everything and not do anything? cause eventually, well as soon as time is up, it's hard to say if it would of been worth it. right now, all i hear is a clock ticking down.. time getting less and less and it's scary. i actually think something is working against me. i can't seem to get anything right. nothing seems to go how i want it to. it's so frustrating. i try as hard as i can without actually doing anything drastic to get what i want but it seems like it never works, everrr. i wish things could actually go how i want them to. you think i'd deserve for them to eventually right? but i think the worst thing ever is wondering about it later. like if i did this then what might of happened.. it's so confusing and scary because you never know. you don't know what is the right thing to do. it's hard. and i don't know what to do at all.

headache, heartache

is it possible to get a headache from effed up feelings? like if you're completely stressing over something and confused and worried then can you get headaches from it? it's quite a possibilty because i think i might of gotten one lol. it's better now though, thank god but it was really annoying when i woke up. so what's the problem? welll lots of stuff. i'm seriously feeling messed. like sometimes i'm just like omg... and other times i dunno lol.

Drrrrraaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmaaaaaa

what's the point or arguing and fighting? i actually don't see a point at all. it's just all unneccessary shit. i usually don't argue with people.. well besides my mom and siblings. because i don't like causing problems, especially with other people. it's dumbbb. i don't think i've ever had a actual fight with a friend in years. and not many people can say that lol. really though, stupid little things don't need to be stressed over. if you're upset about something don't take it out on another person, find a way to get rid of your anger or whatever thenn talk to them. bickering and yelling and screaming has no point. it only causes problems, it doesn't resolve any. there's a nice little saying for ya there.

Sorry to rain on your parade

rain rain rain. do you ever find that rain makes the day seem so gloomy? i find it makes me feel tired for some reason. like the weather affects my mood or something. a lot of people find that. it makes me wish for sun every day. but then i guess we'd all die from lack of hydration and plants and everything so yeahhh bad idea. i think this on again off again rain is kinda representing how i'm feeling right now. i'm getting mixed feelings about everything that's happening. sometimes i'm happy, other times i'm just stressed and confused. but i guess if you knew eveything in life and there wasn't such things as complications then life wouldn't be very exciting at all lol. i wanna know what everyone's thinking. i wanna be able to tap into their minds. it'd make life easier, that's for sureee. lately i've just been loving doing the simpliest things. i'm not sure whyy. but i've been loving just laying out in the sun, even without music and just listening to the birds and the wind and everything.. tuning out everything else. it's super nice. i've been sitting out in the breeze too. and just feeling the wind.. however weird that might sound lol. but i just sit there and feel where the wind is touching me on my fingers or the side of my face or my arm or whatever. and then you mix that with where you can feel the sun. it's actually like soo relaxing. like meditation to only concentrate on nature and nothing else. it makes you feel so relaxed and intune with yourself.
people need to stop being so confusing. actually i think the thing is that people need to decide. decisions need to be made in life. cause you can't just sit around and wait for stuff to happen. what's that saying? you only live once so be sure to make the right choices? yeah well tell that to the world pleasee. i'm not the type of person to let stuff get to me though. i'm.. what do you call it.. thick skulled? haha or does that mean dumb? i'm not sure lol but i don't get caught up in stupid stuff. i don't like drama and i try to stay clear of complications. but honestly people. i think one of the problems is that people don't know what they want. they don't realize stuff until it's too late. they're faced with choices and they're scared and they don't know what to do so they take the choice that they feel safest in taking. it's sad but it's true. i've been there loads of times and i hate to say it but i've taken the safe choice... a lot.
and like a rhythmed drum my heart beats faster and faster up into the sky and on to the ocean, waves that crash on the shore..the little moments.. each little grain of sand, sparkling in the sun.

Oops i did it again

Helloooo
so i might be a horrible person lol. i actually might be. but i can't help it. welll okay i probablyy could. actually. i don't think i can. it's one of those things that you wish you could stop from happening but you can't. cause you can't control some things. like how you feel and stuff. i wishh i could control my feelings better cause this is actually a badd situation lol. soo much could go wrong. well, will go wrong. people will be pisseddd if i get my way lol. and i dunno what to do about anything. i've just been doing nothing. cause that's all that i'm able to do. i mean what else can i do? Arghh fml.
of course this would happen though lol. my friend called that this was going to happen but i didn't think it would. i was all "noo lol don't worry, i know, i'll be fine. it's nothing. so what we talk all the time?" shouldaa listened to her haha. she was all "you know what? i can tell that you guys like each other even though you can't." but i thought she was crazy.
but really. i
i just drew a blank there haha. didn't want to delete it cause it sums up whats going through my head right now. i'm sooo like... i don't know. confused, stressed, kind of mad at myself. it's frustrating. and it just feels like it's getting worse and worse all the time. but it's not like i can say anything... cause they'd be like noo you can't say anything. you can't like him. that's the problem.







AHHH lol

It's been a while....

Hey so i'm gonna try something a bit different. I have a lot on my mind lately and i'm not sure how to put it into paragraphs or whatever so i'm just gonna go from line to line and see what happens.
i don't know what to think
the bunches of thoughts swirling around my brain
like a ball of yarn or something, a impossible knot
unable to untangle and rearrange into something readable or understandable
i guess i'm just not sure
i've ran, i've hid, i've done so much
and now it's like i'm at a fork in the road
two ways to go, one easier
but the easy route's the way i've always taken
that's the problem
i worry too much, i'm scared
although i'd never admit it
to admit it to myself is hard enough
i've built up these walls my whole life
to keep myself safe..
block others out and keeping myself whole
but now i don't know if keeping up those walls is worth it anymore
impossible decisions, two different voices arguing in my brain
which one is louder i don't know
trying to lay each piece of this puzzle out
to piece it together and decide on the path to take
need to believe in something
not sure if it's fate
but something seems to be at work here
i guess i'll just let the pieces fall themselves
and see where they lead me
and let my head and heart continue to argue
a conclusion will come soon

Making a difference

I think everyone makes a difference. i really do. i think that everything we do and everything that we say can affect the people around us and what things they do and say and their lives. i think that everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. there's a reason you're alive right now and there's a reason that everything's happened to you in your life has happened. it's made you who you are today hasn't it?
i like to view things that way. i think looking at it that way has made me who i am today. the whole always looking at the bright side of things, half full not half empty blah blah attitude that i try to have all the time... whatever you want to call it. i like to think that i'm a good person and that i'm making a difference in the world and in other people's lives. everyone says they want to make a difference in the world and i think that everyone actually does. if you can change the way that someone thinks or acts then they might say or do something differently which can change something and then something else...every little thing can cause a change reaction of changes that can change everything. confusing yeah? but true :)

Hide and seek

I should become an actress. really i should. i probably act every single day of my life. without even realizing it. i just noticed it when i heard my mom walking down stairs. i completely composed my face to look semi happy when i'm actually feeling shitty. it's a great talent to be able to hide your feelings. it takes a lot of effort and a lot of lying in some cases. i find that lately i've been doing more and more of this and i'm pretty sure it's not healthy. but it's not my fault. really it's not. i've just been... i don't know what i've been doing. or rather what's been going on in my head. wellll okay i do obviously know but it's messed. it's like everything that should happen.. well everything i wish would happen, won't. i think something's working against me cause honestly i feel like nothing's going right at all. it sucks. effffff. i want to be able to control more. it sucks when you can't control your life. it actually totally sucks. i just don't know what to do.. about anythinggg. well actually everything haha. this is one of my rant because i'm upset/angry/annoyed/everything bad posts hahaha i actually don't like reading it. it makes me feel bad because i realize that i actually feel this way. i actually care a lot more than people realize. i like to pretend that i don't care about anything and that everything's all fine and the positive things and blah blah blah but right now i'm just like arghhh efff that lol. i do believe it but right now it's not really applying haha i'm not seeing a bright side. anywhere.

Heart On the Page

Okay so here we go. I'm gonna let it all out. because why not? there's no reason not to, right?
I dunno why but i'm feeling lost and confused again. Maybe forgotten or something but it's hard when people won't talk to you. Don't seem like they care and seem like they're ignoring you. I don't know if i should be sad or mad or a bit of both... or just try not to care at all. it's frustrating and i'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure what to do about a lot of stuff. That's the problem. I never ever know what to do about anything. any sort of decisions i have to make. I always panick and end up running away and avoiding the problem. It's what i've always done. Always. And maybe that's why i'm who I am today and i don't know if that's a good thing or not but i feel like i should be trying to change this somehow. it doesn't seem like it's working in life for me. I really need to get a backbone or something instead of freaking out. It's probably not emotionally healthy or something messed like that lol.
I just.. i don't know. I don't know about a lot. I find myself thinking about a lot of stuff. Stuff that's contradicts with other stuff and it's messing me up. My dreams aren't helping either. They keep going back to college and people at college. The problem with that though is i'm not going to see those people for like four months. That might be the reason why i feel lost.. because i'm not with them. I don't know. arghh. The weird thing with me too is i don't think i've ever actually felt downright upset about anything. sure, sometimes i cry about stuff... well okay actually not really lol. i barely ever cry. But i do feel sad about stuff but i never have actually gotten that heart wrenching worked up about something feeling. This might be part of the reason why i'm able to just run away from stuff.. because i don't feel upset about it later. sure, i might regret it but i'm the type of person who can just say oh well, listen to some music or something and move on. That's good.... right? EEFFFF it's definitely not lol. well in some cases it might be but for everything it's totally not.
I think what i'm feeling and thinking and everything is all becoming a blurr. or not actually a blur. more like a giant ball of everything that i can't untangle and sort out. i'm pretty sure sooner or later i'm going to lose it. lol. not literally. i'll probably just do the whatever thing and move on.. I tend to give up on things and people too easily. I just can't stand it. I don't know what it is i can't stand. Maybe it's getting hurt by people or something but i just don't know. I have probably written that 100000 times so far because it's true. Right now that's all i keep thinking. I don't know. I'm confused. I DON'T understand. blah blah blah.. fml lol
Welllll i think i vented enough lol.
<3 ?

Word vomit

So it's been a while... again. i'm thinking blogging every few days might be better then because then i'll have more to write about. rather then writing dumb little sentences every day. Wellll my dog's being a bit mental right now. Running around like a maniac and barking and squeaking this toy as she's running. It's quite funny but a bit distracting lol. I have discovered that my intuition might be a bit more than normal. How in the world do i figure things out and know what people mean all the time lol. It's probably not normal. But yeahh that's enough rambling about my strange talent haha.

I hate it when you know someone's leaving for a while and you can't get to see them before they leave. It's the worst feeling knowing that you're not going to see them for a while and you don't get to say goodbye or anything. I guess that's what happens when you live away from all of your friends. It sucks. I miss them. But i like to think that everything happens for a reason. So maybe there's a reason why i don't live where they live? haha i can dream right?

Speaking of dreams, my dreams have been slightly not happening lately.. thank god. I was getting sick and tired of having dreams that made no sense and that were like i was living out days. It's really tiring to go to sleep and dream out that you're living out a normal day in your life (only parts of it were a bit abnormal) and then waking up and living your life. I was sooo tired for a while all the time.

Why are boys so dumb? Especially right now. It seems i am cursed with boys. All the boys that i don't want to like me do and all the ones i do like seem to either not like me or something messes up between us. It's frustrating. I hate rejecting guys too. I feel so bad after but it's not like i'm just gonna go out with guys because i feel bad. that'd just be stupid so i guess it's just something you gotta live with? Ughhh

Facebook is funny. It's like the most evil creation ever invented because it's so addicting and its perfect for procrastinating. Which isn't something that i need to do... ever. thanks makers of facebook for making every teenager's life more difficult lol.

I'm desperately wanting it to be sunny outside. I have't seen an actual sunny day in forever. It sucks. I can't wait to be able to sit outside in the sun, then maybe it will actually feel like summer.

Wellllll that's all for now. Buh byeee

Hello. Good morning... actually it's night time. i just wanted to say that

• Heyy so yeahh it's been two days. that's not good. but i've been kinda, semi busy. That's the excuse i'm going to use anyways. So i miss my friends. i wanna go back to school and hang out with them. hopefully when i'm back home i can make more friends here but it won't be the same. hopefully i'll get down to visit my friends in the next week or two though. and i neeeed to get a job. well, find a job. but my resume's on my laptop. and the charger broke and the battery died so it's lovely. so i've just been wasting my time doing random stuff, which probably isn't good. what's the saying? time is money? well i have too much time and too little money right now.

So i'm kinda happy right now. Don't you love it when the person you like talks to you first? and when you have great, funny convos? it's awesome. especially when you haven't seen them in a few weeks. it means they're thinking about you right? i think having a long summer without seeing them might be a good thing though because when september comes around it'll be like starting over, but not because you already know them. and you'll have lots to talk about. maybe that will help move things in the right direction.. whatever that is haha.

It's funny when guys hit on you or flirt with you and try to act casual about it. Especially when it's guys who shouldn't be. like guys with girlfriends, or guys who are your sibling's friends and stuff like that. it just makes it funny. and you don't know what to do about it, especially if it's like a friend because then you can't just like stop talking to them. ugh boys are dumb.

I'm hoping hoping hoping that soon it will be nice outside. i want to go outside. the other day it was thundering and i actually just sat outside in the cold wind and just sat there and listened to the thunder because i was bored.. i waited for it to start raining but it never happened. it would of been a lot nicer if it was sunny outside and i was enjoying the sun.. instead of clouds haha.

so this multitasking isn't working so well, i don't feel like i'm writing anything interesting so i'm gonig to leave it at that. i'll post lataaa

Nondescriptive

• Yeah so post number two.. woot. I'm not exactly sure what i want to write about so i'm just gonna keep typing and see what ends up happening. So it's nice outside today.yay. i'm sick of all the rain and gross weather. It makes me feel tired and gross. Well that's all i have to say about my little weather intro. weather aka the greatest convo starter ever.
  
  Have you ever felt sort of lost? like you're not sure what you're doing, like you're here but not here? I've been feeling like that a lot lately. I don't know if it's because of my seriously messed up dreams or what it is. I keep having either completely messed dreams that i wake up from and think what the fuck was that? Or i have dreams where i live out a day, then i wake up and realize the day hasn't started yet. Either way, it's exhausting mentally. It doesn't help that my friends haven't really been trying to keep in touch with me. I know it's only been like a week but still. It'd be nice if they said hey or something. Only like 2 have. I guess you realize who really likes you when you're gone because they're the ones who miss you and still want to talk to you. I don't know. Maybe i've been replaced? I kind of felt like at one point that one of my friends was kinda taking my place in the friend group. It seems to happen a lot to me. Or maybe it's just that people get bored of me or something? The thing is, it's usually just my girl friends that this happens with. Usually guys still like me and stuff but after a while i find that my girl friends kind of find other people to hang out with. Hopefully i'm just so used to this by now that i'm just being paranoid.
  
  I wish i was harry potter. Or some sort of being with magical powers or something. Just sitting here watching harry potter makes me jealous of him. It'd be awesome to be able to do all those things with just a flick of a wand. I've always wondered about magic and all that stuff. I was seriously obsessed when i was a kid. I was deadset on becoming a witch or something with magic. I used to think i had some powers back then haha. You gotta wonder where it all came from though. Who came up with magic and wands and dragons and goblins and all that? did someone just come up with it all or did it exist at one point or in some other demension or something messed like that? Yeahhh maybe i should stop watching harry potter haha look what it does to my train of thought
  
  One of my problems is that i'm scared to admit stuff to myself. And once i do admit it to myself i'm terrified to admit it to other people. I'm actually scared of a lot of things. more then i'd ever admit to anyone. I'm scared of bugs, heights, drowning, death, supernatural (just because of weird shit that's happened to me in the past though), failing, rejection, being alone.. Most of these things are normal though i guess.
  
  yeahh so that's all for now. I don't have a lot to say today. probably because i'm just bored. Bored of everything. I need to get a job this weekend before i go crazy. A job would be perfect for 3 reasons.
  1. something to do
  2. Money
  3. get out of the house aka sometimes known as the hell house because of my psycho family. I swear they just like playing the blame game and my mom is too stupid to realize half the stuff she does. She just likes to blame stuff on me now because "i haven't been here and when you weren't here nobody ever fought or anythig" yeah fucking right. if that's true then how come my sister would tell me oh me and mom fought today and blah blah blah. Mom just likes to bitch a lot. It's what she does. And when we tell her to stop bitching then she goes psycho and starts screaming. so really theres nothing to do. My youngest sister is the same way. Thinks she knows everything and can't admit that she's wrong. Thats one of the reasons i loved being away from home, because i can't stand being around them when they're like that. I'm the type of person who can't be around tension. When i was at college, the whole time, i never once felt mad at anyone or ever felt my blood boil or felt downright upset or anything. And then the first week i come home i feel like this almost everyday. there's something wrong with this picture. Only less then 4 months though until freedom for another 8 months. woot! hahahaha. godd that's really pathetic.
  laterr

Hello World

• Yeah so hey. Umm i'm just pretty much going to use this to get thoughts and stuff out. Stuff that i really don't talk to other people about.. well i do sometimes but at the same time it's just nice to be able to say everything at once. My name's Molly on here. I'm not going to use my real name because of stalkers and all that. I've gotten the "it's not safe on the internet" speech enough times to have common sense about these kinds of things. But yeah. I'm in college and finished my first year. Woot. Big deal, I know. I'm going to job hunt as soon as my parents can find the time to take me. Horrible huh? "You need to find a job". Well, my resume and everything is done. Now all i need is to get there. And who needs to take me? Well how about you? The people who say they don't have time to take me. Ugh.
  
  I wish i was back at college. It's fun there. My friends are there. Everything i love is there. It's horrible that i'm not really enjoying being at home that much. The only nice things are that i can get showers as long as i want and i don't have to rush around for classes. Oh, and i get to see my dog. That's always a bonus. But really, i miss hanging out with friends and going to parties and chillin with the guys and meeting new people. I don't really have many friends at home. I stopped talking to most of them last summer. Looking back at my old friends, i find a lot of them fake. I never noticed it before but now i do. Just the way they said things and the way they treated other people, it bothers me now. So i don't talk to them anymore. Sucks though cause now i'm kinda lacking in the friends at home department. I still talk to some people who live here, but they're all guys. It's like school this year "You need to make more friends that are girls haha" Yeahh maybe i do lol. But heyy it's not like i planned it that way. I just like hanging out with guys. They're easy to get along with. There's less drama and omg what a bitch and eww i look gross today and blah blah blah.
  
  So yeah, i'm pretty much lacking friends at home and i'm lacking a job. So what have i been doing? Eating probably more than i should.. stupid at home food that i missed so much and now feel so gross after eating. I'm realizing this though so hopefully i will cut down on eating all this chocolate and crackers and other carbs and shit. And i've been exercising. I'm doing it when i'm bored. Why? I'm not sure. I've always been insecure about my body and stuff though. I mean, i used to be the chubby little quiet kid in school. Even now when people are like oh you're skinny. I'm like yeah right. Not at all. I still think i look fat when i look in the mirror. It's definitely not a good thing. But my hip waist ratio and all that is messed so that's probably why.
  
  Running/walking takes off stress anyways. It's a good way to let my mind wander and think about random stuff. And listen to music aka my love. I'm only a little bit obsessed with music and all that. I loveeee to sing. Even though my family tells me i suck i don't care. I still love it. I love rising and lowering my voice to different notes and pitches. I used to want to be a singer when i was a little kid, oh back when life was that simple. Before you realize there's college and life where you still have to work to get a career after grade 12. What do i want to do for a career? Hopefully in 3 years my career will magically be handed to me.. yeah right. Well, i WANT to work for a clothing industry. I'm studying retail and marketing. I love clothes and fashion and i can't really sew or draw that well so i decided why not try the business side of the fashion industry? I'm good at choosing out clothes for other people and matching colors and seeing something and knowing what to do to fix it to make it look better and all that but i know in the fashion industry that's not enough. So business it is. I would love to help promote a clothing line and work with the designers and go to shows and travel and market the clothes to potential companies and all that stuff. I think it's something that i would be really good at.
  
  So, school, life, appearence, job, careers, what's left? oh yeah, boys. UGH. So maybe i'm cursed when it comes to boys. Is that possible? haha it seems like the only explaination. Everytime i like someone something always happens. Something messes up. Maybe it's me. I don't know. But yeah. It's summer now though so i'm not worrying about it. When i go back to school at the end of the summer though, that should be interesting. What do you do if you like someone who you know likes you because you found out they liked you before you became friends with them and now you're really good friends with them and you think they still like you but they're now seeing someone else but still acts like they like you and at the same time still acts like a friend? I know, WTF. haha i think i'm screwed. But you never know, summer changes people. I mean there's like 4 months. A lot can happen in four months. Right?
  
  Well i think that's all for now. I've said all i have to say for today. I will keep updating every few days when something random happens. I'll try to keep it interesting. Byeee