it's overrrrr

FINALLYYYY!
isn't it great to not even care anymore? to realize that you don't, that you've moved on? it's sweetttt. took long enough though but i feel a lot better now. it's a good thing. when someone's not worth getting worked up over. cause they treat you like shit and don't care then finally being able to say, you know what? i don't give a fuck about what they do with their life. i don't care if i talk to them or see them again. cause really, i deserve better. i'm not the type of person to just sit around and let people use me. i don't let people get under my skin and cause drama and shit. so yepppp, doneeeeeeee.

i've trieddd but for some reason i won't quit

too much left unsaid developed into this awkward silence and i hate it. you can't blame either of us though, cause it's both our faults. i'm not too sure if you even care, all i know is i do. been tryin to get over it but it's just one of those things. one of those things that for some reason you can't... that you keep coming back to without even wanting to. a magnetic pull, two pieces of a puzzle. nothing's worse then the silence.. the silent whispers i want to say, that i keep screaming in my head for only myself to know. when in reality, you can hear a pin drop. the crickets chirp between the rewritten words. scratched out, erased, rephrased over and over. hiding behind these walls, might be too late.. probably am. everything changes at some point. for better or for worse. just gotta deal with it. hopefully in the end it'll all work. i can't just sit here and let it all fall apart. it's not the kind of person i am. i'm a fighter. i don't give up on people. i don't forget. you can try to forget about me, for whatever reason. but i won't just give up and let it happen. cause i care. cause it means something. you know what i mean. you can't say there's nothing. i know you know there is. it's there, no matter how hard you try to fight it. i already did. and look at me now. it's different. i think that's the main reason. standing out from all the rest, no other's are the same. you get me and i get you. my own secret two way diary, secrets, things i need to talk about. noone else will everr know. to sum it all up? i'm not quitting. you shouldn't either.. don't just do the easy thing and try to forget cause it's worth it. i believe it. you should too.

Elements

like a gust of wind,
free to wrap around the trunk of a tree
the top of a tree, mouth of a river
still existing, but able to drift away
invisible, inpenetratable, indestructable
able to change and alter
to know that you're felt, you're known, without actually being seen

like a lively fire,
dancing and causing shadows
bold and threatening if uncontained
free spirited, changing as you please
taking other's down with you as you grow, using them for your own gain
noticing this or not
destructive?

like a drop of rain
free falling, down to the unknown...
but not alone
going against the world, feeling the rush of life as you get closer to your destination
to end with a splat
landing and expanding,
growing and becoming a part of something bigger.

like a old, elm tree
sturdy and strong from a life of hardships
cracks, splinters and moss covering over the weak spots
but yet standing proud against it all
instead of cowering in pity, absorbing life
absorbing the sun, the light
appreciating what you have and what's to come

DONE

my new saying in life is fuck it. i don't care anymore. i'm seriously just like whatever about whatever happens. like i'm over everything. it's good. i've like beat myself somehow lol. everything that's happened really doesn't matter to me anymore. thank god cause it really shouldn't. i won't let myself get fucked up over anything so i'm done. writing it down is just like finalizing it. good.



so i've now discovered that some of this is a lie.... i wanted to think it was true at the time but now i found out it's not... fuckkkkk

continued...

well so that didn't work out so well. stilllllll i feel like shit. i think i just need to get out of here. i need to get out of my house, i need to get out of truro. it's like everything here is just causing shit. i just want to sleep. i've been taking mini naps all day to try to make the day go faster cause i feel like i'm just wasting away or something. i've eaten a total of about 500 calories today. maybe less. i'm just not hungry. it actually hurts after i eat. it's probably cause i feel like my throats in my stomach 24/7. fuckk.

even at home i feel like a mess. i feel like i don't fit in my family. i feel like a outsider all the time. and they don't help at all. you don't do anything. you're useless. just because i don't play sports. it's like everything i do doesn't matter to them and it hurts. and all the bullshit with mom and dad. they don't realize how it effects me. like how they keep trying to get me involved. why the fuck do they keep trying to get us to take sides. this on top of everything else is hard. like i was trying to keep myself together. last night i spent like half a hour outside on the deck in shorts and a tank top, freezing and sitting on the chair out there just like holding myself together. everything was so blank. like i just sat there and didn't think of anything. just pretty much stared at nothing.

3 life lesson mottos i would give to myself if i could go back in time?
1. don't always do the easy thing. 2. don't leave anything unsaid. 3. don't be afraid of taking risks, because sometimes it can be worth it. and sometimes if you don't do these things, you can miss out.

fckkkkkkkkk

alright so i've now reached the breaking point. like literally. i feel soo i dunno at the moment. like i feel so upset but at the same time i won't let myself show it. i'm just like holding it all in atm and its really hard. everything's fucking up. my whole life is like fucking up. nothing ever works out. i fucking hate it. i swear i'm like cursed to never actually be like happy or at least happy for very long. my problem is that i fuck everything up. i always wait too long. i always act so stupid. i feel like barfing. i've had this like sinking feeling in my stomach for the past few days and now it's soo bad. like i wanna cry. everything hurts. but not like physically. it's like i dunno. i feel alone lately. like i feel like noone likes me and noone cares about me. like if i just died noone would care. people would be like that was sad but noone would actually like care care. i don't know if anyone actually even cares about me at the moment. noone ever talks to me. the only reasons they do is to ask if there's ever any parties. or there's abbie but she just talks to me when she wants to complain about her life. but she hasn't even been talking to me a lot lately. noone has. thats probably why i feel alone. noone's ever like heyy let's hang out and do something! i'm the one who always has to make plans or tries to. and the one thing that is the worst is that noone ever asks me if i'm okay. i always listen to other people talk about their problems. i fucking listen to abbie talk about hers all the time. and every once and a while other people's but noone's ever like are you okay? i feel used. like i actually do. but at the same time i feel like everyone could just replace me, just like that. it's seemed like that my whole life. like i've gone through so many friends through school. like they eventually find someone else who's either funnier or smarter or prettier or more fun to hang out with then they just forget about me. and the same with guys too. i don't think one guys ever like liked me for a while. it's like they like me for a bit but then they just move on and forget about me. and it hurts. it actually hurts so much to realize that, both things. friends and guys. i'm actually a mess. you know its bad when i write a fucking depressing poem thing. i haven't done that in years. i think the last time i did that was when mom and dad got divorced. so right now fuck my life. just fuck fuck fuck. i thought that if i like wrote it out it'd help. like it'd help it get outta my system or something. i'm scared to read what i wrote though. cause i'm pretty sure it's bad. i hate stuff like this. i never everr get like this. thats why it's not good at allll. i'm usually a positive, happy person but right now i'm so messed. messed is the only word i can think of to use. i could use like 1000 words to describe like everything that's going through my brain. it's like there's 100000 thoughts swirling around and none of them are even like good. and i can't even sleep. i haven't had a actual good night of sleep in forever. i take forever to fall asleep then i keep waking up all through the night and having these fucked up dreams that are never happy then when i wake up i feel like i haven't slept at all. like i've just been tired all the time for almost a week now. and it sucks. i feel draineddd. so right now all i can say is a capital f.m.l

cotinuedddd afetr drinkingg. i think thatmore can be said now cause i font gibe a fckkkk. but its probabl not goodo at all that i don't lol thiss is what 10 hello shots do to meee haha plus that wine shite what i chugged lke juicee nlahhhhh lol. but yeahh i'm an idiot life sucksss. wel its just compldcated i guess that'd be the wbetter word. just am fursttrated with everyone and evetyhtin and i hate ittt. like i can't sleeep i;,m never evenn hungru and its bennn like this for the past week ansd i dunonoo. i hagte eevtything asnd everyone rfht noww but i'd never sawty it. ii just want to go back to smu whereeeeeeeeeee stufs at elast a littel bit less complacated!111 i feels like tehere i can jut be like whaetevv tis university nott whn i ; m at home though! i jsut likef uckkkk causeeeeeee tehres no excuse for what i feel liker or anythngi. i jsut hateeeeee lies ans sd i hae geting my hopes uop adn i hate beeing useddd. i jsssssssust getdt outta truroo like lifes' acually been soo much moreee complicateds here, i ahte it. i actuallye miht of semi cried hte past while snd i neverr everr cryrrr so wtffffffffff. i evnv can't eattttt yoy uknow its badd whne lol food actualyllg makes me feel fuckk nig nausteated or somthing. like i don'twanna eat at allllllll. . itfs like havign something in m stomach wen i feel bad mskes it even wosrsee. haete x 10000000000. ;'( akkka sad face with oned eysee shutt@. i tthinkk wee shoudl always have like a time macheine or something! lol ometing so we can go back and hcange shit or make shit hapen. but ig euss then ti wouldn;t belike life caue we 're sipposed to learn from our misteakes but at eh the same time teh questioniss.. what if you mae the same misktake over adn over agian? i ruijn evetuthnig cause i just freak ouutettt