DONE

my new saying in life is fuck it. i don't care anymore. i'm seriously just like whatever about whatever happens. like i'm over everything. it's good. i've like beat myself somehow lol. everything that's happened really doesn't matter to me anymore. thank god cause it really shouldn't. i won't let myself get fucked up over anything so i'm done. writing it down is just like finalizing it. good.



so i've now discovered that some of this is a lie.... i wanted to think it was true at the time but now i found out it's not... fuckkkkk

continued...

well so that didn't work out so well. stilllllll i feel like shit. i think i just need to get out of here. i need to get out of my house, i need to get out of truro. it's like everything here is just causing shit. i just want to sleep. i've been taking mini naps all day to try to make the day go faster cause i feel like i'm just wasting away or something. i've eaten a total of about 500 calories today. maybe less. i'm just not hungry. it actually hurts after i eat. it's probably cause i feel like my throats in my stomach 24/7. fuckk.

even at home i feel like a mess. i feel like i don't fit in my family. i feel like a outsider all the time. and they don't help at all. you don't do anything. you're useless. just because i don't play sports. it's like everything i do doesn't matter to them and it hurts. and all the bullshit with mom and dad. they don't realize how it effects me. like how they keep trying to get me involved. why the fuck do they keep trying to get us to take sides. this on top of everything else is hard. like i was trying to keep myself together. last night i spent like half a hour outside on the deck in shorts and a tank top, freezing and sitting on the chair out there just like holding myself together. everything was so blank. like i just sat there and didn't think of anything. just pretty much stared at nothing.

3 life lesson mottos i would give to myself if i could go back in time?
1. don't always do the easy thing. 2. don't leave anything unsaid. 3. don't be afraid of taking risks, because sometimes it can be worth it. and sometimes if you don't do these things, you can miss out.

fckkkkkkkkk

alright so i've now reached the breaking point. like literally. i feel soo i dunno at the moment. like i feel so upset but at the same time i won't let myself show it. i'm just like holding it all in atm and its really hard. everything's fucking up. my whole life is like fucking up. nothing ever works out. i fucking hate it. i swear i'm like cursed to never actually be like happy or at least happy for very long. my problem is that i fuck everything up. i always wait too long. i always act so stupid. i feel like barfing. i've had this like sinking feeling in my stomach for the past few days and now it's soo bad. like i wanna cry. everything hurts. but not like physically. it's like i dunno. i feel alone lately. like i feel like noone likes me and noone cares about me. like if i just died noone would care. people would be like that was sad but noone would actually like care care. i don't know if anyone actually even cares about me at the moment. noone ever talks to me. the only reasons they do is to ask if there's ever any parties. or there's abbie but she just talks to me when she wants to complain about her life. but she hasn't even been talking to me a lot lately. noone has. thats probably why i feel alone. noone's ever like heyy let's hang out and do something! i'm the one who always has to make plans or tries to. and the one thing that is the worst is that noone ever asks me if i'm okay. i always listen to other people talk about their problems. i fucking listen to abbie talk about hers all the time. and every once and a while other people's but noone's ever like are you okay? i feel used. like i actually do. but at the same time i feel like everyone could just replace me, just like that. it's seemed like that my whole life. like i've gone through so many friends through school. like they eventually find someone else who's either funnier or smarter or prettier or more fun to hang out with then they just forget about me. and the same with guys too. i don't think one guys ever like liked me for a while. it's like they like me for a bit but then they just move on and forget about me. and it hurts. it actually hurts so much to realize that, both things. friends and guys. i'm actually a mess. you know its bad when i write a fucking depressing poem thing. i haven't done that in years. i think the last time i did that was when mom and dad got divorced. so right now fuck my life. just fuck fuck fuck. i thought that if i like wrote it out it'd help. like it'd help it get outta my system or something. i'm scared to read what i wrote though. cause i'm pretty sure it's bad. i hate stuff like this. i never everr get like this. thats why it's not good at allll. i'm usually a positive, happy person but right now i'm so messed. messed is the only word i can think of to use. i could use like 1000 words to describe like everything that's going through my brain. it's like there's 100000 thoughts swirling around and none of them are even like good. and i can't even sleep. i haven't had a actual good night of sleep in forever. i take forever to fall asleep then i keep waking up all through the night and having these fucked up dreams that are never happy then when i wake up i feel like i haven't slept at all. like i've just been tired all the time for almost a week now. and it sucks. i feel draineddd. so right now all i can say is a capital f.m.l

cotinuedddd afetr drinkingg. i think thatmore can be said now cause i font gibe a fckkkk. but its probabl not goodo at all that i don't lol thiss is what 10 hello shots do to meee haha plus that wine shite what i chugged lke juicee nlahhhhh lol. but yeahh i'm an idiot life sucksss. wel its just compldcated i guess that'd be the wbetter word. just am fursttrated with everyone and evetyhtin and i hate ittt. like i can't sleeep i;,m never evenn hungru and its bennn like this for the past week ansd i dunonoo. i hagte eevtything asnd everyone rfht noww but i'd never sawty it. ii just want to go back to smu whereeeeeeeeeee stufs at elast a littel bit less complacated!111 i feels like tehere i can jut be like whaetevv tis university nott whn i ; m at home though! i jsut likef uckkkk causeeeeeee tehres no excuse for what i feel liker or anythngi. i jsut hateeeeee lies ans sd i hae geting my hopes uop adn i hate beeing useddd. i jsssssssust getdt outta truroo like lifes' acually been soo much moreee complicateds here, i ahte it. i actuallye miht of semi cried hte past while snd i neverr everr cryrrr so wtffffffffff. i evnv can't eattttt yoy uknow its badd whne lol food actualyllg makes me feel fuckk nig nausteated or somthing. like i don'twanna eat at allllllll. . itfs like havign something in m stomach wen i feel bad mskes it even wosrsee. haete x 10000000000. ;'( akkka sad face with oned eysee shutt@. i tthinkk wee shoudl always have like a time macheine or something! lol ometing so we can go back and hcange shit or make shit hapen. but ig euss then ti wouldn;t belike life caue we 're sipposed to learn from our misteakes but at eh the same time teh questioniss.. what if you mae the same misktake over adn over agian? i ruijn evetuthnig cause i just freak ouutettt

sos

alone and surrounded with darkness
dead silence as i drift onward on this wooden raft
so fragile from the long journey
cracks and chips from hardships it's endured
sensing a unknown presence around me
waiting for me to fall, to fail, to give up
i wish i could hear their whispers
just tiny voices that'd tell me what to say
and what to do
too far away to grasp, to comprehend
wishing i could feel ropes pulling me in the right direction
a puppet master to show me what to do
someone directing me, instead of being stuck
but there's no strings attached.
sitting here with no movement, no reassurance, no help
with this pit in my stomach
a pit of unsureness, hopelessness, and panic
want to fill it up, to be able to sleep, to be able to make everything work
but i think i'm lost
and the voices are too far away to hear
not loud enough to make out
when you really need someone
a sos signal can't be sent out
feels like i'm lost at sea
just rocking back and forth with the waves but not moving
picturing the same wave crash onto shore a million times
as the cracks get bigger
holding myself up in the deep waters
sink or swim

something... not nothing

so i really wanted to write something creative but i've got nothing. nothing is poping into my brain right now. i'm just so blah at the moment. like i don't feel tired or anything i'm just sick of being bored and i get this feeling like i did something wrong. like i messed something up or said something. but i don't know what i did and it's like it's effecting me or something. like last night after helping out my friend with her problems all i could think about afterwards was my own problems and how lately i've been feeling so shitty and tired and just like emotionally drained or something. i guess it's cause lately i don't know whats going on. and now i think i fucked up somehow. but i'm trying to fix it and it just seems like it's not working. and it's stresing me out. i couldn't sleep last night, couldn't fall back to sleep when i woke up too early this morning and i felt tired all morning. like i wanted to sleep but i couldn't. it was like sleep could solve all problems but i couldn't sleep, so nothing could get solved. it suckedddd...
plus my effing dreams. like WTF. it's really annoying when you have dreams that are so messed but it's stuff that you wish would semi happen. like you wish that when you have a good dream where the dream might not make sense but the result or what ends up happening in the dream is a good thing.... i always find that i wake up and just think why can't life actually be like that? like why is it no matter how hard i try to make stuff work nothing ever works out. i always fuck everything up without meaning to. or something always happens to fuck stuff up. and usually i can tell right away. it's like that thing i have where i know stuff. like i've had this bad feeling for a few days now and no matter what i do or where i go i can't get rid of it.. it follows me around. and i can't tell what the feeling is. like it's not sad or upset or angry.. it's weird. like confused and unsure and a bit upset and sort of hopeless? i don't know. but it's just messing with me. like i actually felt upset last night which hasn't happened in forever. i just want to fix whatever i messed up. i'm not going into details on what the problem is or who it involves but yeahhh. i'm stupid. it's like the saying you never know what you have until it's gone thing but not really? if that makes sense. i don't even know what to say to fix the problem cause it's not like i'm being ignored.. it's like they're talking but just waiting for me to say something. like they're waiting for me to say the right thing to make things to either go back to normal or change? i guess tomorrow i will cause i really need to start sleeping again at night cause i feel like if i don't actually get a good sleep soon i'm going to get sick.

With the light

the light glares off the window
blinding me from what i know is out there
time ticks on, the continuous cycle
spinning around and around
but blurring out of control, smearing the light
trying to clear the windows, to get a clear view
peeking through the cracks, chisseling away at the reminants
with a satisfying crunch the glass shatters
no more reflecting, no more viewing
only seeing everything in a different light
nothing for what it actually is
to see the truth you must rebuild the glass
put back together the statue of time, of patience, the cycle
glue back together the pieces and peer through the looking glass
but this time on the other side- with the light

Untangling

yeah so here's something i kinda rewrote and edited.. like a final draft of it is here.. i think it sounds better now. sort of more polished lol. but yeahhhh


the bunches of thoughts swirling around in my brain
i don't know what to think
like a ball of yarn, in an impossible knot
unable to untangle and be rearranged into something readable and understandable
i guess i'm just not sure
i'm at a fork in the road
two ways to go, one easier
but the easy route's the one i've always taken
that's the problem
although i'd never admit it
to admit it to myself is hard enough
impossible decisions, two different voices arguing in my head
which one is louder, i don't know
trying to lay each piece of this puzzle out
to piece it together and decide on the path to take
untangling the knot.. slowly, trying to make progress
need to believe in something
not sure if it's fate
but something seems to be at work here
i guess i'll just let the pieces fall themselves
and see where they lead me
and let myself continue to argue along the way
a conclusion will come soon enough

perfect silence

the wind floats by, like feathers floating on air
brushing against my face, my hands, my hair
the leaves whispering,sharing unknown secrets.. ones i'll never know
perfect silence
still
the wind roars on but it's soft.
no harm, like what i wish the world would be
i know what's coming
as i sit there and wait
life's like the weather, no disagreements there
with the sun peaking out from behind the clouds
the good thing waiting to happen, to break out of this continuous circle
needing to break the pattern
sick of clouds that keep advancing and leaving
with no signs of change, nothing good, but also nothing bad
sitting there in the silence, wishing, hoping
and then finally change...
there's the rain

life is like the weather....

it sounds really dumb and corny but it's true. i find it is anyways. how everything's always changing. good things, then bad things. my mood and how i'm feeling is always changing too. depending on people and things that happen in life. it's hard to write about it. like i don't know what to say. i keep getting to these stuck zones with everything. like i find something that i'm good at, then after a while it's like i'm not anymore. like with singing, then with writing and now with designing. it's fcking me up. i'm starting to panic cause what if i never find something that i'm good at and that i'll be good at forever? ahhh that'd be a fail at life right there.