even at home i feel like a mess. i feel like i don't fit in my family. i feel like a outsider all the time. and they don't help at all. you don't do anything. you're useless. just because i don't play sports. it's like everything i do doesn't matter to them and it hurts. and all the bullshit with mom and dad. they don't realize how it effects me. like how they keep trying to get me involved. why the fuck do they keep trying to get us to take sides. this on top of everything else is hard. like i was trying to keep myself together. last night i spent like half a hour outside on the deck in shorts and a tank top, freezing and sitting on the chair out there just like holding myself together. everything was so blank. like i just sat there and didn't think of anything. just pretty much stared at nothing.

3 life lesson mottos i would give to myself if i could go back in time?
1. don't always do the easy thing. 2. don't leave anything unsaid. 3. don't be afraid of taking risks, because sometimes it can be worth it. and sometimes if you don't do these things, you can miss out.