Making a difference

I think everyone makes a difference. i really do. i think that everything we do and everything that we say can affect the people around us and what things they do and say and their lives. i think that everything happens for a reason and that everything that happens to us happens for a reason. there's a reason you're alive right now and there's a reason that everything's happened to you in your life has happened. it's made you who you are today hasn't it?
i like to view things that way. i think looking at it that way has made me who i am today. the whole always looking at the bright side of things, half full not half empty blah blah attitude that i try to have all the time... whatever you want to call it. i like to think that i'm a good person and that i'm making a difference in the world and in other people's lives. everyone says they want to make a difference in the world and i think that everyone actually does. if you can change the way that someone thinks or acts then they might say or do something differently which can change something and then something else...every little thing can cause a change reaction of changes that can change everything. confusing yeah? but true :)

Hide and seek

I should become an actress. really i should. i probably act every single day of my life. without even realizing it. i just noticed it when i heard my mom walking down stairs. i completely composed my face to look semi happy when i'm actually feeling shitty. it's a great talent to be able to hide your feelings. it takes a lot of effort and a lot of lying in some cases. i find that lately i've been doing more and more of this and i'm pretty sure it's not healthy. but it's not my fault. really it's not. i've just been... i don't know what i've been doing. or rather what's been going on in my head. wellll okay i do obviously know but it's messed. it's like everything that should happen.. well everything i wish would happen, won't. i think something's working against me cause honestly i feel like nothing's going right at all. it sucks. effffff. i want to be able to control more. it sucks when you can't control your life. it actually totally sucks. i just don't know what to do.. about anythinggg. well actually everything haha. this is one of my rant because i'm upset/angry/annoyed/everything bad posts hahaha i actually don't like reading it. it makes me feel bad because i realize that i actually feel this way. i actually care a lot more than people realize. i like to pretend that i don't care about anything and that everything's all fine and the positive things and blah blah blah but right now i'm just like arghhh efff that lol. i do believe it but right now it's not really applying haha i'm not seeing a bright side. anywhere.

Heart On the Page

Okay so here we go. I'm gonna let it all out. because why not? there's no reason not to, right?
I dunno why but i'm feeling lost and confused again. Maybe forgotten or something but it's hard when people won't talk to you. Don't seem like they care and seem like they're ignoring you. I don't know if i should be sad or mad or a bit of both... or just try not to care at all. it's frustrating and i'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure what to do about a lot of stuff. That's the problem. I never ever know what to do about anything. any sort of decisions i have to make. I always panick and end up running away and avoiding the problem. It's what i've always done. Always. And maybe that's why i'm who I am today and i don't know if that's a good thing or not but i feel like i should be trying to change this somehow. it doesn't seem like it's working in life for me. I really need to get a backbone or something instead of freaking out. It's probably not emotionally healthy or something messed like that lol.
I just.. i don't know. I don't know about a lot. I find myself thinking about a lot of stuff. Stuff that's contradicts with other stuff and it's messing me up. My dreams aren't helping either. They keep going back to college and people at college. The problem with that though is i'm not going to see those people for like four months. That might be the reason why i feel lost.. because i'm not with them. I don't know. arghh. The weird thing with me too is i don't think i've ever actually felt downright upset about anything. sure, sometimes i cry about stuff... well okay actually not really lol. i barely ever cry. But i do feel sad about stuff but i never have actually gotten that heart wrenching worked up about something feeling. This might be part of the reason why i'm able to just run away from stuff.. because i don't feel upset about it later. sure, i might regret it but i'm the type of person who can just say oh well, listen to some music or something and move on. That's good.... right? EEFFFF it's definitely not lol. well in some cases it might be but for everything it's totally not.
I think what i'm feeling and thinking and everything is all becoming a blurr. or not actually a blur. more like a giant ball of everything that i can't untangle and sort out. i'm pretty sure sooner or later i'm going to lose it. lol. not literally. i'll probably just do the whatever thing and move on.. I tend to give up on things and people too easily. I just can't stand it. I don't know what it is i can't stand. Maybe it's getting hurt by people or something but i just don't know. I have probably written that 100000 times so far because it's true. Right now that's all i keep thinking. I don't know. I'm confused. I DON'T understand. blah blah blah.. fml lol
Welllll i think i vented enough lol.
<3 ?