Heart On the Page

Okay so here we go. I'm gonna let it all out. because why not? there's no reason not to, right?
I dunno why but i'm feeling lost and confused again. Maybe forgotten or something but it's hard when people won't talk to you. Don't seem like they care and seem like they're ignoring you. I don't know if i should be sad or mad or a bit of both... or just try not to care at all. it's frustrating and i'm not sure what to do about it.
I'm not sure what to do about a lot of stuff. That's the problem. I never ever know what to do about anything. any sort of decisions i have to make. I always panick and end up running away and avoiding the problem. It's what i've always done. Always. And maybe that's why i'm who I am today and i don't know if that's a good thing or not but i feel like i should be trying to change this somehow. it doesn't seem like it's working in life for me. I really need to get a backbone or something instead of freaking out. It's probably not emotionally healthy or something messed like that lol.
I just.. i don't know. I don't know about a lot. I find myself thinking about a lot of stuff. Stuff that's contradicts with other stuff and it's messing me up. My dreams aren't helping either. They keep going back to college and people at college. The problem with that though is i'm not going to see those people for like four months. That might be the reason why i feel lost.. because i'm not with them. I don't know. arghh. The weird thing with me too is i don't think i've ever actually felt downright upset about anything. sure, sometimes i cry about stuff... well okay actually not really lol. i barely ever cry. But i do feel sad about stuff but i never have actually gotten that heart wrenching worked up about something feeling. This might be part of the reason why i'm able to just run away from stuff.. because i don't feel upset about it later. sure, i might regret it but i'm the type of person who can just say oh well, listen to some music or something and move on. That's good.... right? EEFFFF it's definitely not lol. well in some cases it might be but for everything it's totally not.
I think what i'm feeling and thinking and everything is all becoming a blurr. or not actually a blur. more like a giant ball of everything that i can't untangle and sort out. i'm pretty sure sooner or later i'm going to lose it. lol. not literally. i'll probably just do the whatever thing and move on.. I tend to give up on things and people too easily. I just can't stand it. I don't know what it is i can't stand. Maybe it's getting hurt by people or something but i just don't know. I have probably written that 100000 times so far because it's true. Right now that's all i keep thinking. I don't know. I'm confused. I DON'T understand. blah blah blah.. fml lol
Welllll i think i vented enough lol.
<3 ?