Hide and seek

I should become an actress. really i should. i probably act every single day of my life. without even realizing it. i just noticed it when i heard my mom walking down stairs. i completely composed my face to look semi happy when i'm actually feeling shitty. it's a great talent to be able to hide your feelings. it takes a lot of effort and a lot of lying in some cases. i find that lately i've been doing more and more of this and i'm pretty sure it's not healthy. but it's not my fault. really it's not. i've just been... i don't know what i've been doing. or rather what's been going on in my head. wellll okay i do obviously know but it's messed. it's like everything that should happen.. well everything i wish would happen, won't. i think something's working against me cause honestly i feel like nothing's going right at all. it sucks. effffff. i want to be able to control more. it sucks when you can't control your life. it actually totally sucks. i just don't know what to do.. about anythinggg. well actually everything haha. this is one of my rant because i'm upset/angry/annoyed/everything bad posts hahaha i actually don't like reading it. it makes me feel bad because i realize that i actually feel this way. i actually care a lot more than people realize. i like to pretend that i don't care about anything and that everything's all fine and the positive things and blah blah blah but right now i'm just like arghhh efff that lol. i do believe it but right now it's not really applying haha i'm not seeing a bright side. anywhere.