fckkkkkkkkk

alright so i've now reached the breaking point. like literally. i feel soo i dunno at the moment. like i feel so upset but at the same time i won't let myself show it. i'm just like holding it all in atm and its really hard. everything's fucking up. my whole life is like fucking up. nothing ever works out. i fucking hate it. i swear i'm like cursed to never actually be like happy or at least happy for very long. my problem is that i fuck everything up. i always wait too long. i always act so stupid. i feel like barfing. i've had this like sinking feeling in my stomach for the past few days and now it's soo bad. like i wanna cry. everything hurts. but not like physically. it's like i dunno. i feel alone lately. like i feel like noone likes me and noone cares about me. like if i just died noone would care. people would be like that was sad but noone would actually like care care. i don't know if anyone actually even cares about me at the moment. noone ever talks to me. the only reasons they do is to ask if there's ever any parties. or there's abbie but she just talks to me when she wants to complain about her life. but she hasn't even been talking to me a lot lately. noone has. thats probably why i feel alone. noone's ever like heyy let's hang out and do something! i'm the one who always has to make plans or tries to. and the one thing that is the worst is that noone ever asks me if i'm okay. i always listen to other people talk about their problems. i fucking listen to abbie talk about hers all the time. and every once and a while other people's but noone's ever like are you okay? i feel used. like i actually do. but at the same time i feel like everyone could just replace me, just like that. it's seemed like that my whole life. like i've gone through so many friends through school. like they eventually find someone else who's either funnier or smarter or prettier or more fun to hang out with then they just forget about me. and the same with guys too. i don't think one guys ever like liked me for a while. it's like they like me for a bit but then they just move on and forget about me. and it hurts. it actually hurts so much to realize that, both things. friends and guys. i'm actually a mess. you know its bad when i write a fucking depressing poem thing. i haven't done that in years. i think the last time i did that was when mom and dad got divorced. so right now fuck my life. just fuck fuck fuck. i thought that if i like wrote it out it'd help. like it'd help it get outta my system or something. i'm scared to read what i wrote though. cause i'm pretty sure it's bad. i hate stuff like this. i never everr get like this. thats why it's not good at allll. i'm usually a positive, happy person but right now i'm so messed. messed is the only word i can think of to use. i could use like 1000 words to describe like everything that's going through my brain. it's like there's 100000 thoughts swirling around and none of them are even like good. and i can't even sleep. i haven't had a actual good night of sleep in forever. i take forever to fall asleep then i keep waking up all through the night and having these fucked up dreams that are never happy then when i wake up i feel like i haven't slept at all. like i've just been tired all the time for almost a week now. and it sucks. i feel draineddd. so right now all i can say is a capital f.m.l

cotinuedddd afetr drinkingg. i think thatmore can be said now cause i font gibe a fckkkk. but its probabl not goodo at all that i don't lol thiss is what 10 hello shots do to meee haha plus that wine shite what i chugged lke juicee nlahhhhh lol. but yeahh i'm an idiot life sucksss. wel its just compldcated i guess that'd be the wbetter word. just am fursttrated with everyone and evetyhtin and i hate ittt. like i can't sleeep i;,m never evenn hungru and its bennn like this for the past week ansd i dunonoo. i hagte eevtything asnd everyone rfht noww but i'd never sawty it. ii just want to go back to smu whereeeeeeeeeee stufs at elast a littel bit less complacated!111 i feels like tehere i can jut be like whaetevv tis university nott whn i ; m at home though! i jsut likef uckkkk causeeeeeee tehres no excuse for what i feel liker or anythngi. i jsut hateeeeee lies ans sd i hae geting my hopes uop adn i hate beeing useddd. i jsssssssust getdt outta truroo like lifes' acually been soo much moreee complicateds here, i ahte it. i actuallye miht of semi cried hte past while snd i neverr everr cryrrr so wtffffffffff. i evnv can't eattttt yoy uknow its badd whne lol food actualyllg makes me feel fuckk nig nausteated or somthing. like i don'twanna eat at allllllll. . itfs like havign something in m stomach wen i feel bad mskes it even wosrsee. haete x 10000000000. ;'( akkka sad face with oned eysee shutt@. i tthinkk wee shoudl always have like a time macheine or something! lol ometing so we can go back and hcange shit or make shit hapen. but ig euss then ti wouldn;t belike life caue we 're sipposed to learn from our misteakes but at eh the same time teh questioniss.. what if you mae the same misktake over adn over agian? i ruijn evetuthnig cause i just freak ouutettt