Nondescriptive

• Yeah so post number two.. woot. I'm not exactly sure what i want to write about so i'm just gonna keep typing and see what ends up happening. So it's nice outside today.yay. i'm sick of all the rain and gross weather. It makes me feel tired and gross. Well that's all i have to say about my little weather intro. weather aka the greatest convo starter ever.
  
  Have you ever felt sort of lost? like you're not sure what you're doing, like you're here but not here? I've been feeling like that a lot lately. I don't know if it's because of my seriously messed up dreams or what it is. I keep having either completely messed dreams that i wake up from and think what the fuck was that? Or i have dreams where i live out a day, then i wake up and realize the day hasn't started yet. Either way, it's exhausting mentally. It doesn't help that my friends haven't really been trying to keep in touch with me. I know it's only been like a week but still. It'd be nice if they said hey or something. Only like 2 have. I guess you realize who really likes you when you're gone because they're the ones who miss you and still want to talk to you. I don't know. Maybe i've been replaced? I kind of felt like at one point that one of my friends was kinda taking my place in the friend group. It seems to happen a lot to me. Or maybe it's just that people get bored of me or something? The thing is, it's usually just my girl friends that this happens with. Usually guys still like me and stuff but after a while i find that my girl friends kind of find other people to hang out with. Hopefully i'm just so used to this by now that i'm just being paranoid.
  
  I wish i was harry potter. Or some sort of being with magical powers or something. Just sitting here watching harry potter makes me jealous of him. It'd be awesome to be able to do all those things with just a flick of a wand. I've always wondered about magic and all that stuff. I was seriously obsessed when i was a kid. I was deadset on becoming a witch or something with magic. I used to think i had some powers back then haha. You gotta wonder where it all came from though. Who came up with magic and wands and dragons and goblins and all that? did someone just come up with it all or did it exist at one point or in some other demension or something messed like that? Yeahhh maybe i should stop watching harry potter haha look what it does to my train of thought
  
  One of my problems is that i'm scared to admit stuff to myself. And once i do admit it to myself i'm terrified to admit it to other people. I'm actually scared of a lot of things. more then i'd ever admit to anyone. I'm scared of bugs, heights, drowning, death, supernatural (just because of weird shit that's happened to me in the past though), failing, rejection, being alone.. Most of these things are normal though i guess.
  
  yeahh so that's all for now. I don't have a lot to say today. probably because i'm just bored. Bored of everything. I need to get a job this weekend before i go crazy. A job would be perfect for 3 reasons.
  1. something to do
  2. Money
  3. get out of the house aka sometimes known as the hell house because of my psycho family. I swear they just like playing the blame game and my mom is too stupid to realize half the stuff she does. She just likes to blame stuff on me now because "i haven't been here and when you weren't here nobody ever fought or anythig" yeah fucking right. if that's true then how come my sister would tell me oh me and mom fought today and blah blah blah. Mom just likes to bitch a lot. It's what she does. And when we tell her to stop bitching then she goes psycho and starts screaming. so really theres nothing to do. My youngest sister is the same way. Thinks she knows everything and can't admit that she's wrong. Thats one of the reasons i loved being away from home, because i can't stand being around them when they're like that. I'm the type of person who can't be around tension. When i was at college, the whole time, i never once felt mad at anyone or ever felt my blood boil or felt downright upset or anything. And then the first week i come home i feel like this almost everyday. there's something wrong with this picture. Only less then 4 months though until freedom for another 8 months. woot! hahahaha. godd that's really pathetic.
  laterr